Azerbaijan - The fact they hired Beyonce's dance choreographer doesn't mean it will be any good. Well done for walking about the stage and shaking your head like a noddy dog. A true skill only to be learnt for spending three million dollars on the stage show. I wonder how much those stairs cost; I'm sure you can make them with things from B&Q.
Spain - I am in disbelief that there could be stage crashers at Eurovision. That is truly embarrassing for the security, all 4 of them. Just goes to show the impression the audience had of the performance. That must be the Spanish version of Mick Hucknall. He should be shaved and put on show at the zoo. As for those dancers...ooft. No wonder children should have left. It was reminiscent of 1960's German children programme characters.
Norway - That can be summed up in one word...monotone. Shouting doesn't mean you can sing and call it a Power Ballad.
Moldova - The Blue Troop showed that a small country can try. However, trying doesn't mean you will do well. Reminded me of an even more badly dressed Florence...and that is saying alot. Well done for sticking glow sticks to the sides of your fiddles...if electric fiddles can be given any credit in the first place.
Cyprus - Well done Cyprus, you have shown you have talent only if you steal it from other countries.
Bosnia and Herzagovina- Eastern Europe's answer to The Scissor Sisters. The backing singers are propping that gentleman up. I wish there was Thunder And Lightning right in the middle of that stage. That guitar will feed us all...please choke on it.
Belgium - A waffle shaped Jason Marz. Oh please...stop trying to hit notes that your testicles deny you the chance to reach. Leave Oslo alone, how are they suppose to know your boring lyrics...
Serbia - Gok Wan in a wig....wait I take that back...poor Mr Wan. He would never be seen dressed like such a f***wit. I image that is how girls cut their Barbie's hair when they hate them. Its a miracle that the Balkans would ever let him back in. They must be sitting in the back all on their own...and so it should stay. Thank G_d there are women there, I could feel my soul dying; and all the more lucky that he doesn't look interested in them...but those two lads may be in trouble.
Belarus - Firstly...what a beard. I think a caterpillar has died on that poor man's chin. What a piano man!!! He looks like he is actually happy to be there with those...singers? Like butterflies they say, how about flying into a bug zapper then...please. Are they scared to open their mouths too much? Jesus!!!! That almost took those guy's eyes out!! A bastardised version of Madam Butterfly.
Ireland - That half decent on Eurovision standards. Not as if I am being bias as there is a beautiful red-headed flautist. However, someone should tell the singer than her dress is on fire.
Greece - Chancellor Merkel must be sitting at home wondering if any of that bailout money paid for this. Do not fear Frau Merkel, it is clear that they haven't. Are those drums to waste space on the stage. because they should shove their heads through them.
United Kingdom - This is a new record, 30 seconds in and a British entry hasn't gone off key. Are the backing singers glued to the stage prop or can they just not be bothered trying. Once again we have a song which is completely Euro-neutral and have sung about happiness and sunshine...and there he goes off on the last note...twice.
Georgia - 'You can never tell the colour of a soul'.....not another one. As this programme continues my soul is becoming more and more dark. Why is everyone jumping and prancing around like they have physical tourettes?!?!?!
Turkey - A DJ, now that is just lazy!!! Why are they letting rappers onto this now? What is that...a really weird looking suit of armour...which moves!!!! Looks like the Predators gay brother...and now they think sparks are a good idea. They should be wearing goggles!!! Predators gay brother is hot...and a woman if you are worried there.
Albania - That would be good, if she didn't sound like a cat being sodomised. It is also impressive that the Pope had the violinist play for him. I suppose at his Holiness' great age, little boys are becoming difficult to get hold of. Mr Fiddler, you aren't looking cool so please stop trying.
Iceland - Standing strong you say, shame your banks aren't as secure. All I can say it damn that ash cloud from leaving. Like a perverse Techno-Madonna. Someone should tell her that the title of her song is in French...you're from Iceland darling, no need to be in denial.
Ukraine - WOW.......I mean....WOW. Thank goodness, was worried she would keep that bin bag on her head for the whole song. Its has an 'Earth Song' feel about it. Never the less, I can see alot of European emos having a field day with this one. Please little Gunther, put down the razor...
France - I do not appreciate a French man...or French person in general for that matter thrusting at me through the TV. They are just showing themselves up as a bunch of sex driven, syphilis ridden pillocks!!! You are not in the Parisian read light district. Can't deny they do have alot of energy. Just a shame they don't use it getting off the stage.
Romania - So that is why Dracula wanted to leave and move to the UK. Thank you for confirming your genders, not as if it wasn't bleeding obvious anyway. PLaying with fire, but still not burning. Let me be the first to say I would not throw a fire blanket over them. She just invented a whole new note, and the fires are from the electric lights blowing up.
Russia - The Kremlins take on The Beatles. They should be Lost and Forgotten! They are so melocholy, but are probably saying how happy they are...you know them Russians. They sound like that have drunk several bottles of cheap Vodka before the show.
Armenia - Gorgeous, but I feel like I am passing an Apricot Stone. Awww, bless the old fat man in the corner. I fear he has wandered in and been trapped. The man running around with the urns needs to be tripped up to save this programme.
Germany - Can't help but laugh at the gruff German accent coming through. The Goth culture is clearly still strong in the fatherland. For a second there, I was sure there was an Iron Cross around her neck...does that show the power of stereotyping? They are right though, she does sound slightly chavy like Lilly Allan...and that is a bad thing by the way.
Portugal - Still doesn't understand why G_d made Portugese. Can anyone other than those from Portugal understand her? She said waffles there...and something about Gaia. Such a beautiful voice to be singing absolute gibberish!!!
Israel - Though I love you....please spit already. I am imagining that the song is really beautiful and deep...thats the best I can do really. Wait...I got that bit...something about using white phosphorous.
Denmark - Its Sting and the Police....wait...scrap that. It is a bunch of people stealing a famous band's chords. Now it has moved into Tina Turner, and they aren't simply the best. Now the male singer is also wearing a jacket stolen from the trash of My Chemical Romance. That key change does not redeem them though.Want to know what you have to do?.....F*** Off!!!
Spain 2.0 - I feel that they are making us suffer for something terrible by singing this again. He has the look of 'please don't make me do this again'. I hate people dressing up as it is, now I want to cry in the corner...but that feeling came the moment he started singing what feels like hours ago. Roughly translated: Yes they do look like complete idiots, but with a recession budget do you really expect much better? I'm surprised people haven't started to leave. Oh wait, they have!
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